The 2nd to 8th of December marks National Grief Awareness Week 2024. We spoke to Part of Life guest blogger, Amy Jackson, about how best to offer support to someone who is grieving. It can be tricky to navigate a friend or family member’s grief, but here, Amy offers six invaluable tips.

Six ways to support someone who is grieving

How can you show support to someone who is grieving? In the years before I experienced my own bereavements, I did all the ‘typical’ things that we’re expected to do in these situations. You regularly check in, offer a shoulder to cry on, and of course, the typical British act of putting the kettle on. However, it’s only when you’re faced with grief yourself that you discover the things that are helpful.

To say that grieving is hard is an understatement, but it can be made harder when those around you don’t know how to support you.

It’s important to remember that this is often through no fault of those people. In a society where death is still a difficult topic for a lot of people, the unhelpful behaviours and words come from a place of not really knowing what to do. As a result, they turn to clichés like “at least they’re not in pain anymore” and flippant things to say such as “let me know if you need anything.” Yes, these things all come from a good place, but they’re not exactly helpful.

Thankfully, supporting someone through grief doesn’t have to be extravagant and involve jumping through hoops to show that you care. Believe it or not, it’s the small things that make a big difference.

1. If you don’t know what to say, be honest

After my nan died last year, one thing that was said to me on multiple occasions was “at least she’s at peace now.” I understood what they meant. She was in the late stages of dementia and seeing her in those last few months had become increasingly difficult.

Anyone who has lost a loved one to dementia will tell you that you essentially grieve for that person twice – you grieve for them when they die, but you also grieve for them when they’re still alive; because you’re grieving the person they were before their illness took hold.

So again, I understood what people meant by saying “at least she’s at peace,” but there’s no “at least” about it. I’m not at peace with the fact this amazing, funny person has died.

People often resort to clichés when they don’t know what to say to you. What they don’t realise however, is that it’s perfectly okay to be honest and admit that. There doesn’t have to be a big, heartfelt speech, it can be something as simple as “I’m so sorry for your loss.” If you’re really unsure of what to say to someone who is grieving, the bereavement charity Cruse has some good suggestions.

2. Acknowledge the elephant in the room

One of the things that stuck with me most after my dad died was when I returned to work and a colleague took me aside and said “I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I think it’s important to acknowledge it.”

While the ball was well and truly in my court as to whether I wanted to talk about him, it meant the world that she still acknowledged it.

It can be easy to see why people are reluctant to acknowledge someone’s loss. Again, it comes from a good place. Not wanting to remind the person of what’s happened and not wanting to upset them, are the two most common reasons why they may not bring it up.

The key thing? Don’t assume. For me, my dad was the only person I wanted to talk about in those first few weeks. A lot of the time, I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up because I didn’t want to ‘bring the mood down.’

Of course, we know that the grieving process is different for everyone, and there may be times where that person doesn’t want to talk about their loss, and it’s important to respect that too. If they quickly change the subject after you bring it up, or are upfront in saying they don’t want to talk about it, go with their cues, and don’t be offended.

The important thing is that you let that person know that it’s okay for them to talk about the person they’ve lost if they want to, but equally, be prepared for them to want to change the subject, as sometimes, they may want a little bit of normality back.

3. Check in but give them space

When it comes to ‘being there’ for someone, it can be difficult to know how much space to give them. In the first few days after my dad died, the messages I received from my friends and colleagues were one of the things that kept me going.

It doesn’t have to be an essay – a short and sweet “I’m thinking of you” message can make such a difference. However, don’t always expect a reply. There were some days when looking at my phone and replying to messages was the worst thing I could think of doing, but there were others where it was a huge comfort.

Keep those invitations open, too. Be prepared for them to decline now and again (perhaps even often), but keeping those lines of communication open are essential.

4. Be practical with gifts

While it’s important to remember that sending gifts is completely optional, there are a few things to be mindful of if you do choose to send a little something. Low-maintenance, practical gifts are the way to go.

Thoughtful gifts like photo frames and candles can be a nice touch, or even a few sweet treats for a little pick-me-up. The self-care route is often a popular choice for grief care packages, but aim to go for more low-key goodies such as hand creams and other everyday products rather than over-the-top bath bombs and facemasks.

Sending flowers can be a lovely gesture but ask for them to be pre-cut (or even pre-arranged in a vase) when you place the order to minimise effort for the recipient! If you’re really stuck for ideas, websites such as Don’t Buy Her Flowers have some great options available.

Remember though, you don’t have to send a gift. Sometimes, just letting that person know you’re there for them can be just as effective, if not more.

5. Be specific

At a glance, “let me know if there’s anything I can do” is great. It comes from a good place. However, there will be plenty of times where the person grieving won’t have the faintest clue what they need, and, if they’re anything like me, they might not want to ask for help for fear of being considered a ‘burden.’

So, be specific with your offers of help. Can you cook them dinner or clean their house? Maybe offer to pick their children up from school or grab a few groceries for them – again, your offers of help don’t have to be ground-breaking, but small things can make a big difference.

6. Be mindful of dates

For me, November this year was especially tricky. Not only would it have been my dad’s 80th birthday, but it also marked a year since my nan died. My social battery was pretty much depleted for the month, and I’ve noticed that my mood has been particularly low. Grieving has no time limit. However, certain dates or times of year can be particularly tough, whether that’s birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, or events like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

While I don’t expect my friends to mark their diaries with the dates that my loved ones died or when their birthdays are, it means so much when they do check in on those dates. Who knows, maybe they have marked their diaries, or maybe they just have a really good memory.

Of course, if you want to be there for your person on those tricky dates, feel free to mark it in your diary. I’m not saying to write ‘anniversary of (name)’s (insert loved one here)’s death’ in big red Sharpie on your calendar, but make a little note to check in with them and let them know you’re thinking of them. Trust me, it will mean more to them than you realise.

Wellbeing Library