The Grief Self-Care Guide
Seven Practical Ways to Look After Yourself After a Bereavement
Taking care of yourself after a bereavement and through a grief journey is often difficult. With immediate admin’ to manage and grieving friends and family to support, your own mental health can take a toll and looking after yourself can seem almost impossible.
To mark National Self-Care Week, we asked guest blogger, Amy Jackson, for her tips on how she took care of herself after experiencing a number of bereavements.
What does ‘self-care’ even mean?
The word ‘self-care’ often conjures up images of bubble baths, yoga and indulgent spa treatments. We know however, that there is a much broader spectrum of forms of self-care. While some people do indulge in regular pampering sessions, other forms of self-care can be much more basic, right down to just taking a few minutes to enjoy a biscuit alongside your afternoon coffee.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to self-care, and that’s especially true when it comes to grief.
Not only do we all grieve differently, but anyone who has ever experienced grief will tell you that some days are better than others.
In the last three years, I have lost my nan, my dad, and a close family friend who played a big role in my childhood, so I guess you could say that I’ve tried out a lot of the classic self-care examples. Some of them have really helped, and others, not so much.
There are so many resources out there that will provide endless lists of self-care activities, but when you’re grieving, that list can feel a lot smaller. For me, these are the things that have helped the most, and that I will go on to share to any fellow members of ‘The Club.’
1: Listen to your body
The need to power through, combined with the typical British views of ‘stiff-upper lip’ and the occasional ‘they wouldn’t want me to be so upset,’ thought that can pop into your head from time to time. This makes listening to your body very difficult to do, but honestly, if you listen, it can make you feel so much better.
If your energy levels are low, rest and try to get some sleep. If you’re feeling particularly tearful, cry it out. For me, it was giving myself permission to cry. No, they probably wouldn’t want me to be upset. But they’ve died.
A person who I love dearly and who has been in my life for longer than I can remember is gone, and that’s awful. Sometimes, it can be hard to let the emotion out, particularly if that’s something you’ve always struggled with. I remember feeling numb for quite a long time after my dad’s death, so one evening, I created a ‘grief playlist’ – a mixture of songs about death and loss, songs he used to love or that reminded me of him, or even just generally sad songs.
Everyone is different, but for me, having that outlet to encourage myself to ‘cry it out’ was incredibly helpful. It doesn’t have to be music that helps you get the emotions out, either. Films and poetry that deal with the topic of grief and loss can be cathartic too.
2: It’s okay to laugh
Try to remind yourself that it’s okay to have days where you feel positive, and that it’s also okay to laugh. They say laughter is the best medicine, and for me that was true.
Stand-up comedy DVDs and sitcoms got me through those first weeks of grief, because it was an escape. For half an hour, I could forget about the horrible thing that had happened and just laugh.
Even in the circumstances where you feel it wouldn’t have been possible, don’t feel guilty for laughing in the face of grief, either. If you’d have told me that in the two hours after my dad died, I’d be laughing harder than I had in months, I wouldn’t have believed you.
But that’s exactly what happened. I sat with my brothers and my step-mum in the hospital by his bedside, and we told stories about him. There was so much joy in such a sombre moment, and given that we’d all been on the receiving end of his sense of humour at some point or another, we know that he would have approved.
3: Don’t deny yourself some fun
My nan died three days before a big party I had spent weeks looking forward to. I was very up and down over those three days, and was uncertain whether I’d go. It got to the day of the party and while I felt as though I could really enjoy a night out with my friends, part of my mind was telling me that I shouldn’t go because I was “supposed to be grieving.”
Who was telling me that I was “supposed” to be grieving? No one. Despite that, I still felt like I would be judged for going out and having a good time so soon after a bereavement.
However, I thought about what my nan would have said. “You go and have fun, darling. Have a drink for me!” So, I did. I went, and I had a lovely time with my friends.
Was I still grieving? Yes, I was. But I could separate myself from it for a few hours, and it was just what I needed.
4: Prioritise the basics
We know that when it comes to grief, some days are worse than others. So, what can we do on those days where it feels like we can barely get out of bed and self-care activities like exercise or spending time in nature are virtually impossible?
Remember that self-care can be as basic or extravagant as necessary, and that’s particularly true when you’re grieving. Basic tasks such as showering and eating nutritious food still count as self-care, even if you admit defeat and go back to bed afterwards! Again – listen to your body.
5: Stick to your routine where possible
The weeks after someone dies are often hectic and can cause a lot of disruption to our routine. Whether that’s funeral planning, sorting through your loved one’s belongings, or even taking a period of compassionate leave. Sometimes, the familiarity of routine can be helpful, as it gives a feeling of normality in a situation that’s far from it. If you feel up to it, keep up with the activities that form part of your usual routine, such as exercise, as it can give your mind something to focus on.
6: Get creative
There’s a reason that ‘Creative Therapy’ is a thing. Creativity will mean different things to different people, but it’s about finding something you enjoy; whether that’s drawing, painting, sewing, or something else.
For me, it was writing, especially after my dad died. I wasn’t writing for a specific purpose, but I had so many thoughts in my head and his illness progressed so much quicker than we had expected.
Within a month he’d gone from being admitted to hospital, to receiving a cancer diagnosis to being given end of life care.
Writing was my way of getting everything out, particularly when it came to the events of the three days in which we were told he was approaching the end of his life. After the initial shock wore off a few weeks later, I sat at my laptop and started typing. I wrote about the moment I first learned how unwell he was, right up until that afternoon where I left the hospital after we said our goodbyes.
To this day, I haven’t done anything with that document, and I don’t ever intend to. However, that waffly nine-page document played a big role in my helping me process what happened.
One thing to remember is that it’s important not to rush the process. Even if you’re seasoned in whatever creative activity you choose, don’t force yourself to stare at a blank page or canvas if you don’t feel you’re ready for it. It will come.
7: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help
I’ll admit this one is easier said than done. It can take a while to admit that you need more support than what your friends and family can give you, but doing so is half the battle. Whether that’s in the form of searching for bereavement support resources, or making an appointment with your GP, taking the step of reaching out can be an essential part in helping you with your grief. It’s something that we will all experience at some point or another in our lives, so needing a little extra support to guide us through is nothing to be ashamed of.
