Supporting teens through bereavement
Anne Montague, Chair of Trustees for WHY (We Hear You - a cancer counselling charity), has spent the past two decades working as a counsellor, clinical manager, health journalist and editor.
She is passionate about the provision of psychological support for people affected by life threatening illness and in palliative care.
Here she shares her techniques for supporting teens through bereavement.
It’s tough being a teenager, especially in today’s world. It becomes immeasurably harder when you’re a teenager who is losing, or has lost a parent.
At one of the most confusing and tumultuous times of your life, when you are going through the process of rebelling and separating from your parents and finding your own identity and independence, that person is taken from you.
The range and intensity of emotions we all feel when someone important dies can be frightening – even as an adult. For a teenager coping with raging hormones, social pressures and developmental change, it can feel overwhelming. Anger, despair, loneliness, isolation, guilt, regret, sadness, confusion, or just feeling nothing are all common and entirely normal responses.
Common teenage reactions
Young people may feel the need (or pressure from others) to step up at home and take more responsibility, or become more child-like in their behaviour
They may seem fine, but bottle up their feelings to protect the people around them, or because those feelings are too big to handle
They may become withdrawn at school or with friends
Grief is unpredictable– a young person may appear fine one minute, drowning in sadness the next.
What teenagers say
Talking to teenagers who have experienced the death of a parent or significant person, the overwhelming message is that most people just don’t get it, whether it’s family, friends or teachers.
“People tried to be kind, but they never asked what I wanted and friends moved on so quickly, they didn’t realise it was getting harder for me every day.”
Over time you find a way to live with grief and life fills up around it, but it’s always there, although the feelings may change. The way someone feels as a child or young person change as they get older and their understanding of their own experience and the meaning of death changes.
Anniversaries and occasions like Christmas are hard for everyone, but for young people on the brink of adulthood, every major change, new loss or personal triumph the feelings of grief resound, often with a raw and shocking intensity, around the absence of mum, dad or that special person.
Supporting a young person facing the death of a parent or significant person
Know that bereavement is different for everyone and every child and young person. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve. Everyone does it in their own way, in their own time, and feelings can surface many years on from the person’s death.
Some young people want to talk, others don’t and if they do, it has to be in their way and in their time. Counselling can help but is not a panacea and particularly in the early days this is not what most young people want or need. Having known, trusted, supportive adults around them is likely to be far more helpful.
For young people who do want to talk let them know it’s ok; it’s ok to talk about the person who has died and it’s ok to talk to someone outside the family or immediate circle.
Address anxieties. The death of a key person can make life feel very unsafe. Young people may worry about another parent dying, about their own health, about finances, not fitting in with friends, having to move house or change schools. Enable them to talk about these anxieties with you or another trusted adult.
Watch for signs of depression – being low in mood or withdrawn can be a normal part of grief, but if it persists talk to your GP about possible avenues of support.
Make young people aware of avenues of support – this may be through school, through a bereavement counselling service, your local hospice or online support. Some organisations are listed below.
Organisations that can help provide support
Hope Again – part of Cruse Bereavement Care
Website for young people
Youth friendly individual support from volunteer
‘vlog pod’: video stories shared by young people
YouTube channel
0808 808 1677
M-F 9.30-5
Support for children and young people up to 25, parents and families
https://www.childbereavementuk.org/
0800 028 8840
Live web chat
A downloadable app, presented as a game, for children and young people aged 11+
“A world built to guide you through your darkest moments”
The player is guided around a tropical island, exploring the geography and discovering things, eg. crystals, that unlock mindful activities
Regular checkpoints and choices are presented
Stories representing emotions are shared
Bereavement organisations and ChildLine are signposted
Bereavement support for children and young people after death of parent or sibling.
Online chat T 1-5, F 9.30-1
0808 802 0021 Helpline
Partnership of Cruse and AdFam offering information and support for anyone whose loved one has died as a result of drug or alcohol abuse
https://www.beadproject.org.uk
0808 808 1677 Cruse Helpline
M, F 9.30-5.30, T, W, Thu 9.30-8
